Listicle: What Color is Donald Trump?
He won’t be painted by any brush, unless it’s covered in bronzer. It’s enough to make you think Donald Trump has not only destroyed the traditional boundaries between party lines, he’s destroyed your television’s onboard color processor. The Ex-Press heads up a special investigative team headed by designers, painters, political pundits and Pantone experts to solve the compelling mystery: What color is Donald Trump?
By The Ex-Press Staff
Red? Trump’s tie is red, suggesting he’s Right when it comes to financial policy. And so are his lips, because he knows he needs to talk like a Republican. Hey. Talk is cheap.
Blue? His suit is navy, his eyes are sky blue and so is pie-in-the-sky line about making “America Great Again.” What? It’s not great already?
Orange? A day without Donald is a day without his sun shining on the rest of us.
Oompa Loompa? Though he serves no master, not even Willy Policy Wonka, he’s been making giant chocolate bars covered in gold, like that one on Central Park.
Exotic Mango? Definitely not. They come from Mexico. Then again, his complexion does make him look like an illegally imported fruit.
Clemson? “South Carolina loves me!” proclaimed the Donald after his big win. And now we know why: Depending on the lighting, Trump’s orange face makes him look like the beloved Clemson mascot, The Tiger.
Princeton? Though New Jersey used to belong to Chris Christie, The Garden State and the microcosm of its Ivy League campus could sway toward the leading tower of Trump, because depending on the lighting, Trump’s orange face makes him look like the beloved Princeton mascot, The Princeton Tiger. And isn’t New England, like, the whole “New” deal?
Kraft Single? That guy hasn’t been single since he was 12, when he thought girls were still gross. Not like now, when he just calls them ‘fat pigs’ and ‘stupid.” Single, not. Krafty? That man couldn’t be more comfortable between two slices of white bread and served with ketchup.
Pork Rind? Though he says he’s going to remove the pork from politics… well, maybe he hasn’t said that yet, but he will, because he’s been sending subliminal pork rind messages with his eyes for years, and eventually, he’ll have to answer for it.
Siegfried? He does tigers. The Donald does cougars. They both have the same tint.
Roy? We don’t talk about Roy.
Cheeto? Fried corn flour, chemical cheese and fake coloring sounds about right.
Malibu Ken: Who turned Barbie into a fat pig? She used to be cute. Now she looks like Rosie O’Donnell.
Simpson’s Donald Trump? Two glorious dimensions, one yellow face.
Red Squirrel Taxidermy? Nuts! Who knew these little critters made such a damn fine hair piece!
Pantone 137 C: People love Pantone 137 C!
THE EX-PRESS, February 23, 2016