New Products: Chia Gian
It was Canada's OJ Trial, and now that the criminal case involving former CBC radio host Jian Ghomeshi concluded with a verdict of not guilty, it's time to sit and reflect, and maybe grow a little. So welcome the new Chia Gian! It's a whole hair party plastered onto pottery! Pour water over his head! Pull HIS hair out! Use him as a garnish! Feed him to a pet rabbit! Drop him on a hard surface and watch him shatter like a witness's credibility. Or, look him in the eye with a hammer and tell him he's damaged while Big Ears Teddy watches on. Sure, the trial may be over. But now you can be the judge, jury and heck, follicle executioner from the comfort of your kitchen window! It's the case that everyone had an opinion about, and now it's a decorative object ready for your window case! Chi-Chi-Gian!
*We don't care about the spelling. It's a pottery head.
THE EX-PRESS, April 2, 2016
What Color Is Donald Trump?
Listicle: What Color is Donald Trump?
He won't be painted by any brush, unless it's covered in bronzer. It's enough to make you think Donald Trump has not only destroyed the traditional boundaries between party lines, he's destroyed your television's onboard color processor. The Ex-Press heads up a special investigative team headed by designers, painters, political pundits and Pantone experts to solve the compelling mystery: What color is Donald Trump?
By The Ex-Press Staff
Red? Trump's tie is red, suggesting he's Right when it comes to financial policy. And so are his lips, because he knows he needs to talk like a Republican. Hey. Talk is cheap.
Blue? His suit is navy, his eyes are sky blue and so is pie-in-the-sky line about making "America Great Again." What? It's not great already?
Orange? A day without Donald is a day without his sun shining on the rest of ...
The Ultimate Christmas Music Playlist
Or, Learn to Love Christmas Music in Just 15 Songs
By Misty Harris
“I don’t care about a war on Christmas but I could totally get behind a war on Christmas music.” So said my friend Shauna Wright, a Someecards writer who’s brilliant and funny even when she is wrong.
Christmas music, you see, is simply misunderstood. Like spotting a pit bull at an off-leash park, people recoil at its appearance thanks to years of media conditioning, and in doing so, are denied the chance to make a real emotional connection. DO NOT DENY YOURSELF LOVE, PEOPLE.
There are countless reasons to love Christmas music – a genre I defend in this month’s Pop Culture Decoder. But for those who need extra help learning to love the much-maligned genre, I offer these 15 songs to kick-start the holiday reprogramming.
The Christmas Song by Mindy Gledhill
God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen/We Three Kings by Barenaked Ladies and Sarah McLachlan
O Come, O Come Emmanuel by The Piano Guys
Toronto: Why It Sucks
The Economist recently rated Canada's biggest city the best place on Earth to live, but it's not all that… even if it does have the CN Tower, whose mere presence subconsciously makes this page look more official just by stretching its long concrete column high into the sky. At The Ex-Press, we may be in awe of Toronto's smoggy swagger, but we came up with a few reasons to take a forensic look at The Economist's reckoning. We've titled the liabilities on our balance sheet...
TEN REASONS WHY TORONTO SUCKS
1. It's not a goal until Toronto looks at the replay.
2. That big tower thing seems to be overcompensating for something.
3. People dress off the mannequin.
4. It's all about money. (No doubt accounting for The Economist's ranking.)
5. They think they represent the rest of English Canada…. and we have no say, because they own us all.
6. It smells bad.
7. You have to drink in a private club to be considered cool.
8. They can't laugh at themselve...