Wine Pairings for your Failed New Year’s Resolutions

By Misty Harris

Over the years, I’ve invested more emotion in wine than I have in entire relationships. When asked for an emergency contact, I forego the name of my doctor and supply the number of my favourite liquor store. I don’t even own a wine-stopper because I believe they’re for quitters.

Ok, not really, but you get the picture.

My point is that when it comes to wine, I know a thing or two about a thing or two. The same goes for failed resolutions, which I collect every year the way sad people do candles.  So, without further ado, it’s time to decode your emotional palate.

Failed resolution: Improve intimacy

Wine pairing: Pinot Noir

Like a burlesque dancer, a great pinot noir reveals itself slowly. It boasts layers upon layers of supple texture on a lithe frame, and is known for being as expressive on the tongue as it is seductive to the senses. So even if you’re coming up short in the bedroom, you can still go for the long finish in the wine cellar. 

Failed resolution: Exercise more

Wine pairing: Barolo 

This was the year you were going to get in shape. You were going to run faster and farther than Bill Cosby’s publicist, and sculpt your body with the focused intensity of Patrick Swayze’s hands on a pottery wheel. It was going to be awesome. Alas, life got in the way (read: Netflix) and now the only thing you have time to exercise is your mouth. Do so with a glass of Barolo, a veritable treadmill for your tastebuds. Working out has never been so good!

Patrick Swayze in Ghost

Failed resolution: Quit smoking

Wine pairing: Grenache

Drinking Grenache when you’re a smoker is a bit like wearing a padded bra when you have breast implants: it’s just plain greedy. With heady notes of cinnamon and tobacco, this vibrant varietal is basically what it would taste like if Sammy Davis Jr. were a grape. But hey, if you’re going to fall off the non-smoking wagon, it seems only fitting to cushion your landing with a smoky wine.

Failed resolution: Eat healthier

Wine pairing: Sangria

Health Canada considers a half-cup of juice to be a serving of fruit – much the same way I consider a shot of vodka to be a potato. Taking a page from this dubious playbook, here’s what I’ve concluded: even if you aren’t inspired to eat healthier foods, you can still drink them. Thank you, sangria, for being the fruit salad we deserve.

Failed resolution: Lose weight

Wine pairing: Kabinett Riesling

Trying to lose weight in a short period of time is like inviting Kanye West to an awards show: an innocent-enough idea that’s sure to end badly. This is because when it comes to crash diets, the only thing you lose quickly is hope. Pair your disappointment with a chilled glass of Kabinett Riesling, which tastes sweet but contains only 8% alcohol and 90 calories a glass.

Failed resolution: Be more charitable

Wine pairing: White Zinfandel

Miley Cyrus

Ok, so the most benevolent thing you’ve done lately is eat your spouse’s cooking. There’s a drink for that: White Zinfindel. As maligned by critics as it is beloved by college students, this pink plonk is the Miley Cyrus of wines – cheap, ubiquitous, one-note, and best enjoyed while drunk. With a handful of exceptions (Turley, for instance), drinking White Zin is an act of charity worthy of a tax write-off.

Failed resolution: Drink less

Wine pairing: Port

Served in a 3 oz glass and boasting a whopping 17 to 21 per cent alcohol, this fortified wine is the vino equivalent of a woman’s sex toy: a way of controlling intake but not compromising on pleasure.

In conclusion, when it comes to New Year’s resolutions, nothing provides a more solid foundation for a fresh start than rock bottom. Cheers!

@popcultini